And as always, He reaches out and scoops me up. "Why are you screaming, my child? Why are you fearful? Where is your faith? I called you out onto the water. You are with the creator of the universe. Will I not provide and care for you?"
It does not matter how many times he answers and provides; I still doubt.
I had a Peter moment this morning. I was doing some PR work for my mission trip, and then it happened. The doubts started flooding in. "What if I don't raise enough money? God, you won't let me down, right? I probably am just annoying people anyways. I have so little time left. It's not going to be enough."
And then, I just got nasty. "God, I know people working to raise $30,000+ for their adoption. I just need $3,000. Why is it so hard for me? Why aren't people giving more? Why is it so easy for them to raise money?" (I hope you didn't think I had it all together and am always found in the dust of my Rabbi. I most certainly am one, big mess!)
But just as He was with Peter, there was Jesus, quieting me. In less than 3 hours of my melt down, God provided $145. I could feel Him whispering to me, "See? I will provide. This is my plan, and it is perfect. I will never leave you."
No matter how many doubts I have or how nasty I get, He is always there, calling me further out into the waters. Just two days ago, I was encouraging all of you to fight for something. I was so excited for the task ahead. Today, I took my eyes off of Christ and began to sink. But He was still there to scoop me up, and He will always be.
His love amazes me. His faithfulness leaves me breathless. I know the doubts will rise again. I will feel my fear overtaking me, but I never want to be too afraid to face the waves. I want to always be the girl leaping off the side of the boat calling, "Take me, Jesus! I'll go!"
*2/18 I received $615 in the mail today! God is too good to me. Why do I ever doubt?